The Sojourner Saga

Lyrics by David M. Syzdek. Sang to the tune of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight."

Refrain:
A cable cut
a cable cut
a cable cut
a cable cut

In the Rack Room, the offline Rack Room,
The hacker sleeps tonight,
In the Rack Room the quiet Rack Room,
The hacker sleeps tonight,

Refrain

Near the network, the server network,
The hacker sleeps tonight,
Near the network, the secure network,
The hacker sleeps tonight,

Refrain

Hush my user, don't fear my user,
The hacker sleeps tonight,
Hush my user, don't fear my user,
The hacker sleeps tonight.

Refrain

My Grandma sent me the following e-mail message today:

Albino Moose somewhere near the border of Wisconsin and Michigan.

Not one, but two ! Truly amazing ! These animals were photographed just north of the Wisconsin border on a highway near Marenisco , MI . The odds of seeing an albino moose are astronomical and to see this in the upper peninsula of Michigan, near Wisconsin, is even greater than astronomical. To see two of them together is nearly impossible. We wanted to share these photos with as many people as possible because you will probably never have a chance to see this rare sight again. This is a really special treat, so enjoy the shot of a life time.

Like the e-mail stated, the chances of this occurring is nearly impossible. It is so impossible that I have an alternative theory.

Those are not albino, they are ghosts of moose that were creamed by a trucker. They came back to haunt the roads and jump in front of their arch enemy, the Big Rig. Once they have caused the last tractor truck to swerve off the road thus making these asphalt crossings safe for their four hoofed brethren, they will transcend to their heavenly rest.

Not only do truckers have have to watch out, but there are rumors of Freddy Cougar, Big Hoof, Frankenswan, Drakeula, The Wicked Wren of the West, Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hyena, Cowsper the Ghost, and Hannibal Leopard. So be careful when looking at your local wild life, that cute little bunny rabbit may actually be a blood thirsty mummy rabbit.

It bugs me. You spend one lazy day barefoot working from a laptop at the University in the common area and every day afterwards the girls that walk by check out my feet to verify that I am wearing shoes.

Like it is all that uncommon to see a grown man in public working on a laptop without any shoes or socks.

I am thinking about starting a new activist group, the Barefoot Union of Men (BUM).

Do not call people thick skulled or airheaded. if they truly are one egg short of a full basket you can simply call them "A splendid autonomous being that enjoys a resiliency from data ingress into or data contamination of their granite cavernously bereft cranium."

To a casual listener or some one with a limited vocabulary this phrase sounds like a praise or compliment, however upon closer examination it is clear that it is not.

You are in reality saying, in a more elegant fashion, that they are stone headed, empty minded, and incapable of learning.

I suffer from Wikiploria (Wikipedia Exploration Disease). It is terrible. This syndrome has cost me my family, my friends, and my health. I only have my job because the corporate proxy server blocks the site. I am embarrassed, but I spend all of my time reading from this captivating site and I cannot stop. Wikipedia has information on every conceivable topic, except the remedy for Wikiploria.

My problem manifested itself three or four years ago when I started using this snow ball of information. Initially I would only look up things occasionally and would not follow cross references. As this tar pit of facts grew and cross references became more numerous, I started spending greater amounts of time reading topics of interest and following links. I eventually reached the point where I would lose myself in this labyrinth of data for hours on end completely forgetting the original topic I was researching. I only manage to break out of this suction cup of knowledge I follow an external link link into a uninteresting subject.

As an example, yesterday I tried to find the caloric content of an Avocado. After hours of perusing I learned that an avocado has 60% more potassium than bananas, has the highest fiber content of any fruit, and is toxic to many animals. I never did find out the caloric content of an avocado, but I did learn that Wendigo is a mythical North American cannibal, Donner Pass is where the Central Pacific Railroad crosses the Sierra Nevada Mountains, and that tallow was used to lubricate the engines of steam locomotives.

I have talked to a therapist about my condition and she recommended that I retrace my steps and analyze my weaknesses in order to help me over come this disability. Following my quack's advice I retrieved and summarized the following session from my browser history:

• Avocado: Possibly co-evolved as a food for the now extinct giant sloth
• Ground sloth: Proposed to be the basis for the South American mythical forest creature mapinguari
• Mapinguari: Many have dismissed this creature as a folkloric creature much like the North American Wendigo
• Wendigo: a malevolent cannibalistic spirit
• Cannibalism: a famous instance of Cannibalism is the Donner Party
• Donner Party: settlers that were trapped at Donner Pass
• Donner Pass: The location where the Central Pacific Railroad passed the Sierra Nevada Mountains
• Central Pacific Railroad: Was leased until 1959 when it formally merged with Southern Pacific Railroad
• Southern Pacific Railroad: The Souther Pacific Railroad painted the majority its steam locomotive fleet black
• steam locomotive: Enginemen used tallow as a lubricant for the pistons and valves.
• Tallow: is rendered form of beef or mutton fat.
• Mutton: I realized that I have a Wikipedia problem.

In retrospect my therapist is correct. I can clearly see the error of my way. I should have followed the links to either "traction engine" or "Steamroller" from the steam locomotive page. Tallow was clearly a bad path to follow since it ended in a mundane topic like mutton. In actuality this analysis does not help me to resist my vice, rather I now want to look up traction engine.

Until a cure is found, I will have to resolve myself to a life as an e-bookworm.

My name is David Syzdek and I am a Wikipedia addict.

P.S. The traction engine article is very interesting.

No computer Geek can honestly claim that a vehicle is theirs until said computer geek has transported computer equipment with it. Here are a few pics of the christening of my newest vehicle:

Here is a front view picture of my Harley loaded with computer gear that I was carrying to the post office.

Here is a side view picture of my Harley loaded with computer gear that I was carrying to the post office.

Here is a rear view picture of my Harley loaded with computer gear that I was carrying to the post office.

The Last Frontier's Guide to Marriage is written by a bachelor living in the harsh winter isolation of Alaska. Most Alaskan males are experts on maintaining lasting relationships due to the incredibly low odds of getting a second chance (or a first for that matter) at a relationship with a women in the predominately male population. Unlike the equally popular Alaskan methods of either enslaving a bride in chains or living in remote isolation so the loving bride can not escape, the author details methods that help the groom weave golden threads of love into his bride's heart. His philosophy is that a wife can always learn to pick a lock or charter a plane, however no woman is capable of breaking the binding embroidery in the cloth of love.

You will enjoy the author's entertaining tales of miscommunication such as the time he chased his date around the kitchen with a broom after she declared her longing to be swept off her feet. Another time he took Mary Jane to the local national guard's armory so they could stargaze from the torrent of a battle tank after hearing she was hoping for a night in shining armor. After reading this book you will be awed at the authors comical dating snafos and his amazing lack of experience.

Other works by the author include the theoretical thesis Catching a Girl with a Fly Fishing Rod, the documentary Why Clam Digging is a Bad First Date, and the revolutionary and incredibly limited catalogue Mail Order Brides for the Modern Alaskan Male.

Editor's Note: This book has been printed on extra large pages and is safe to be consumed, making it an excellent liner for your hamster's cage.